Spring, Sciatica, and Working Underwater

Hi guys!

March has come and gone, and for most of it I did a lot of “underwater work”. I stole this paraphrased quote from Becoming, Michelle Obama’s biography that I have finally finished reading. It’s one of the most beautiful books I have ever read, and it somewhat encouraged the opening of a door for me, a door into new adulthood, into a new form of radical acceptance.

“I felt sometimes like a swan on a lake, knowing that my job was in part to glide and appear serene, while underwater I never stopped pedaling my legs.”

Page 329 of Becoming

I was finally able to finish a book because I was sick for a whole week, not with Covid, but with a severe respiratory infection that took me out completely, and that took my voice away for a while: “Papa,” Catherine said to Ben one morning, when I could only whisper a few words, “Mama talks like you now.”

I was so sick that I did not work, cook, or looked at the phone.

On top of being sick, I have also had sciatica, which slowed me down even more.

It was one of the most beautiful weeks I have had in a while. Getting sick and unplugging were gifts I didn’t know I wanted.

See, I work, work, work, I never stop, I never breathe, I never go out in the garden, I don’t enjoy, I rush, I eat standing up for lunch in between takes for a new real, I plan a new book, I promote the one that is out, I cook, I take care of Catherine and Ben…I forget about myself and I forget about what’s around me. I am not present.

I want, want, want and I am incapable of enjoying what I have.

One day, after being in the dark all day, I wanted to see the sunlight, so I went out on the patio wrapped in a warm blanket and sat on a chair that faced the back of Griffith Park. I began to notice little things about my garden that I had never noticed before, things that I loved. When I walked back into the house I began to notice things about Ben that I had not noticed before, things that I loved.

Forced to pause, I created space.

March has been a month of planting seeds for something new: new relationships, new possibilities, new journeys, new teachings, new obstacles, new plans.

March has been a month of new start as in the consideration of accepting that my career may never be what I want it to be, and that that has nothing to do with whether I am talented or not, that my idea of success may have to change; that once more, I may have to surrender and stop fighting.

I don’t know whether it’s because spring has come, or because I am starting to embrace my new age, but I can glimpse at a sense of new on the horizon, new perception of my body, new ideas, new options, and new intents.

And in considering the possibility of grieving the want, I can taste some kind of freedom.

Updates:

I was guest on Kitchen Counter Podcast, and a short essay of mine on sustainable buying will be published on Clean Plates. On April 21st I will be guest on Wake Up with Marci, on WLNY, and I have added a new date at the Hollywood Farmers Market, on May 1st, where I will be selling and signing hard copies of my cookbook, as well as sharing a few new samples of my recipes.

I am using a new shampoo and conditioner, Prose, and loving it. I am also wearing my hair naturally wavy.

I am reading a beautiful book, Unsolaced, by Gretel Ehrlich

I am listening to Tara Brach a lot, these days.

Love you guys, see you next month.

xo

Alice