The Days Between January 4th and January 30th

“I instruct my students that the natural state of mind is the main thing: awareness itself. We should not limit that to any particular object of meditation or goal or physical posture, and it has to be brought into everyday life. Of course we try to meditate daily and so forth—sitting, chanting, praying. But I would say that not doing too much is the important thing. We tend to try to overdo everything. Such conceptual actions just create more karma. Consider nondoing, nonaction, for a while, and leaving things as they are.”

— His Holiness the Twelfth Gyalwang Drukpa, Awareness Itself

A friend sent me this on January 24th, the day before my 41st birthday, and as I read the last sentence: “Consider nondoing, nonaction, for a while, and leaving things as they are,” I took a deep, relieving breath, almost as if I had officially given permission, for once and just for the present moment, to not need more.

You and I haven’t talked in depth since December, and a lot has happened in this long, weird month of January, filled with silver linings, unexpected, anniversaries, and opportunities. 

From Instagram, you may have seen that my mom flew back to L.A. to help me, after Ben’s injury, in New York. He also had a procedure a few days ago, one not related to the fall (he is fine and recovering, and he will talk about it when he feels it is the right time, for him). I am sharing this to give you some context, the reason why I have been so overwhelmed. 

January began in fear, but almost magically transformed into a month of growth, of presence, of slowing down, of openness and gratitude. 

Thanks to the amazing friends I am surrounded by, the days between January 4th and January 30th have been some of the most transformative of my entire life. 

Between January 4th and January 30th, nothing that could be defined, on paper, as “good” happened: an old family friend passed away, my grandmother began transitioning, and Ben got sick. I was faced with impending sense of mortality, with aging, vulnerability, loss, and uncertainty. 

See, I have lived most of my life with a sense of nearing doom as my master. All my life I have given incredible power to what I thought people wanted to have happened to me, and to an addictive feeling that somebody was always out to get me, or that things in life were happening at me.

But in the days that slowly passed between January 4th and January 30th, I became ready, and I let go of that old pattern. I did, it’s gone. 

So let me change this sentence: between January 4th and January 30th, a lot of what is defined, on paper, as “good” happened: friends showed up, teachers taught me as I became ready for learning. I received unconditional love, safety and protection, invaluable help. 

My mom flew in, without much notice, on January 13th, and without knowing it, I found myself in the position of helping her by asking for her help, for her presence. As a result, we are having the richest, most beautiful and meaningful time together; my use of superlatives here is purposeful. 

In the days between January 4th and January 30th, I turned 41, and I found myself in radical acceptance of what was happening. And radical acceptance, I am getting to understand, is a wonderful place to be.

As Leonard wrote: “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

I am now able to see the cracks.

Updates:

– I will be at the Hollywood Farmers Market on 2/12. It’s the 1-year anniversary of the publication of Eating Again, and I have very special price paperbacks for you, together with some delicious baked goods that will feature some of my favorite vendors. Ben won’t be there, but my mom and Catherine will, if you want to meet them!

– Winter classes are sold out (thank you to all those who purchased tickets), but be on the lookout for Spring session as I will share with you some fun recipes for the new season. You can pre-book your seat here.

– I have finally understood what was going on with my gut. After tests, colonoscopy, endoscopy, more tests, etc, I have SIBO. So I am on medications now and will have to adjust my diet a bit, but I am already feeling better. 

– Ben is recovering, and he is okay. Please, do respect his privacy; he will share more when he feels ready to do so. 

– When I was in New York I met my publisher in person for the first time!

– You can still find signed hardcovers of Eating Again at Lost & Found Shop as well as Chevalier’s Books. 

See you next month,

love, always

Alice