Summertime, Gerundive, and the Memory of a Tuscan Woman

SHi guys, 

I am writing from Italy, still jet lagged: my eyes closed on the laptop while I thought about how to start this.

June has been intense, to say the least, revelatory.

Ben was gone most of the time, on tour with Stevie, and despite having a heavy load on my shoulders, between Catherine, the end of the book publicity, and the house, I was able to use the space to look at some truths I had been avoiding and hiding behind my obsession with work, with movement, with making my own money, with compulsively proving my worth.

I had to acknowledge that my inability to stop body and mind had caused my cortisol levels to reach chronic highs; consequences have been weight gain despite a drastic diet and extreme workout, depression, anxiety, no sexual desire, skin rash, acne, and profound sadness. One day, I had a severe anxiety attack while driving; I called a friend, and I admitted I had a problem: something had to change.

I overworked myself in order not to feel. I knew it. I just couldn’t stop.

What is that you don’t want to feel? You may be asking:

“My past, first and foremost, my body, my shame, my fear.”

***

Last July, Ben, Catherine and I spent a week in Forte dei Marmi, on the Tuscan riviera.

One day, Catherine and I met a woman at the beach café: she was probably in her mid or late sixties; she was beautiful, tanned, and radiant.

She had long, brown hair, and she wasn’t really fit; she wore a bikini in a dark shade of green that complimented her tan, and with an elegant gold feature at the hips. Her belly was soft and round; she wasn’t overweight, she just looked like a woman who enjoyed life.

Her unshaved pubic hair was wild as the water that day, she walked barefoot and ordered an espresso and some lunch for her and her husband.

Can you picture the kind of woman I am talking about? She was either from Milan, vacationing in Tuscany, or a local at the beach resort; I don’t recall her accent in as much detail as her presence.

She was attractive, absolutely imperfect, not touched by botox, radiating confidence, and ease.

We exchanged a few words, realized we stayed at the same resort, the Augustus, and only a few beach cabanas from each other. During our stay, we would run into her while walking along the beach, or in the water. One day, I recall her bikini being white, which made her look invincible, so self confident, yet never full of herself.

I hadn’t thought of that woman until a week ago, when on the verge of a breakdown, when I understood that some major change was asking to happen within myself.

Was asking. Change is [still] asking.

It hasn’t happened yet.

The gerundive tense is a painful and uncomfortable one.

I am starting to be wanting to be that woman.

I am writing again. I am writing new material.

I am in Italy now, and I am faced again with the open wound that is my hometown, my past, how I perceive myself here, how I am stuck to 10 years ago every time I return. I got sober 10 years ago. Time stops when I am here.

This summer, my task is not doing. My task is not reacting, and not compensating the empty space that arises, the empty space that will be given space and time to be.

My task, during these 7 weeks, is that of experiencing when I don’t want to experience, of feeling when I don’t want to feel.

Until I forgive myself for what was, I will be stuck in the pain, in the mistakes, in the darkness of my twenties and my thirties.

I need to surrender and wave the white flag, because once more, I am tired of fighting for the body, the career, the people, the attention, and all the boxes I still think need checked in order for me to…I don’t even know any more, guys.

I, once more, need to shed my skin. And there is no better time than summer to do so.

Updates:

-This year we are traveling through Rimini, London, Paris, and Valle d’Aosta. Follow the journey on Instagram!

-I will be holding a zoom class on July 23rd at 11:30 am pacific (only 3 tickets left $35 — or pay what you can — on Venmo @culinaryselfcare)

-I have started shadowboxing and I am loving it, how my rage for what is happening in America is finding an healthy out. I alternate it with yoga, and it seems to be the perfect combo for now.

-I am planning on a live Instagram this Sunday (July 3rd, at 10 am pacific 1pm eastern)

Love you, guys.

See you next month.

Alice