Change, Presidential Elections, Growing Up and Growing Old

Before we start: tomorrow, at 4:30 pm PST I will be going live on Instagram with Oliver Gottfried of Oxfam America to talk about sustainable cooking for a food chain that works for all. @alicecarbonetench

I hope you can join us!

A few weeks ago, I went in for my first teeth cleaning since the beginning of the lockdown. After a misadventure with a new dentist, right before Christmas, I decided to go back to my old one, in Woodland Hills — a little far from Los Feliz, where I live now, but worth the drive. 

I loved seeing old faces, the beautiful women who work there, and my hygienist, Nisha.  

I felt safe, I felt home. 

This was the day after the presidential debate, and I was so angry for what I had seen on TV the night before, that my stomach cramps had gotten worse. I was tired, Ben was recovering from his knee surgery, so I decided to do something frivolous after the dentist, and enjoy some retail therapy at the nearby Nordstrom,  where I used to shop when we lived in the valley. 

As I approached the parking lot, I noticed massive constructions going on; the surroundings seemed very different from what I remembered.

20 minutes in, I couldn’t find anything I liked, so I left the store and headed to the car. The temperature had reached 108 F, and when I realized it would take me almost an hour to return home, I decided to stop for a quick coffee and a blueberry muffin. 

From Nordstrom, I turned right on Canoga Avenue and drove south. At every traffic light a flashback… and all of a sudden I missed all that was. 

Memories were interrupted by reality, a huge parking lot now transformed into a massive Covid-19 testing site, new buildings, more constructions… 

I remembered going to Equinox with Ben a few days a week; I remembered how much we loved going to the gym together, I remembered the newness of life, I remembered excitement, easiness, and time, all things that I struggle to find these days.

I stopped at the Starbucks at the corner of Oxnard and Canoga, not far from the old gym; I ordered an iced Americano with a muffin, that I ate in the car. At every bite, my memory went back to those evenings when Ben went to the gym by himself, when I would be home making dinner, and when we would eat after his shower, without the constraints of time, the pressure of life. I knew that having a child would change things and routines, but why do I have time constraints today? I don’t really have to, I have help, Catherine is not in school, we are in a pandemic…

I remembered afternoons shopping, afternoons writing from the room that would become a nursery, and wondering what I would do with my life; I remembered familiar streets, familiars views, familiar heat…

Things were not necessarily better back then; on the contrary, many are much more successful now: our marriage, my career, my personal recovery and growth…and yet I often feel a stranger in my own house, a stranger in my own family, in my marriage, in my new life, in this life. 

A few weeks ago, I received an email from an old friend in London; she and I lived together when I was in the city, in the early 2000s. Her letter was a beautiful surprise, and after reading of her imminent move to the French countryside, after more than 20 years in England, I experienced the same feeling of loss, the same anxiety, the same gloom, the same grief that had hit me driving on Canoga Avenue. 

Things are changing, and the older I get, the more I find it difficult to accept.

It’s interesting, because I fight for change on a daily basis with my cooking, my writing, my partnerships and my social media presence, and yet when it comes to my life, change hurts. Knowing that my friend still lived in London made me somewhat feel safe; something was still “like back then”.

My friend Linda recently moved back to the east coast, another couple we know did the same, Ben and I often talk about our future somewhere else, given the state of this country, and all this movement of the minds scares me. 

Maybe it’s because Catherine’s birthday is approaching, or perhaps, it’s because we just celebrated 1 year in the new house. Maybe it was the third anniversary of Tom’s death, maybe it’s because these crucial elections are underway, or perhaps, I am simply looking for immediate comfort in what was familiar, during times when everything feels uncertain.

Have you ever experienced that?

I know that I often talk about change. I did in the last newsletter, I did a year ago, I constantly do, because one of the things that never seems to change is my relationship with change itself. 

Maybe I am getting older, maybe there is a cosmic adjustment much bigger than I can comprehend, or maybe…this is just how life works: people come and people go, countries rise and countries fall, life begins, and life ends. 

I just needed to write this down so to remind myself that I am resilient, we are resilient, that most of the things that worry us, either never happen (as Tom said), or if they do, we are more ready to deal with them than we believed. 

So, since we are talking about change, if you still haven’t voted or if you, like me, will vote in person, with all my heart I ask you to please vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, and for Nithya Raman for the Los Angeles City Council District 4. David Ryu, the incumbent, is a corrupt politician that hasn’t done anything for a Los Angeles that can work for ALL. Real change needs bold actions, real willingness, real courage.

We know that change is inevitable, so let’s change for the better. We have the power to do that!

A few updates:

– I went to the beach with Catherine and Elis last week; the tide was so low we found mussels and a beautiful starfish on the shore. The water was warm and it felt like Italy, but we were at Will Rogers‘. I love California.

– I am gifting myself with a much needed small kitchen remodel that will make me very happy.

– I have been going to physical therapy and my migraines have diminished drastically, and so has my neck pain.

– I am becoming a better baker at every dessert I make.

– I have begun to pray for my career and success obsession to be removed and, don’t ask me how, I have never felt so much freedom, relief, and serenity.

– We have tickets for the zoo, and Catherine will be a pumpkin for Halloween.

– My family and friends in Italy are safe.

– I realized I like to wear long skirts with sneakers.

– I have hope for the elections.

Love you guys!

Hang in there.

Alice