Planned Possibilities: Intentional Opening to What Can Be

Hi guys,

How are you?

I am writing this only a few minutes before you’ll be reading it, because August seems to have come and gone without me really getting a grip on it.

I think this perfectly describes where I am at: in complete surrender.

We came back from Italy on August 15th, and the recovery from Covid has been longer than I had imagined; jet lag didn’t help, so I tire more easily. By the time I put Catherine to bed, at 8pm, I am ready for it as well, not really finding the time for a book, a movie, barely getting her lunch box ready for the following day, preparing the coffee machine, loading up the dishwasher, and I am done. Now, the truth is that I end up spending one hour doing nothing productive on the phone, but that’s for another day, or for therapy.

When I came back, I knew there were some big changes that had to happen in my life; first of all, my approach to career and success. Six months into book publication, the verdict is clear: the reviews were stellar, the support from my people overwhelming, a huge success in terms of the work I have done, something to be proud of, very proud of.

But the success and return I had in mind? Not really. And yet I hustled. I worked relentlessly (read=compared myself to) to be in the loop and be seen, “discovered”, accepted, validated, sell more. I worked relentlessly (read=compared myself to) to stay on top of the ever-changing Instagram (which I dislike very much); I blamed myself for not having been reviewed on the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, on KCRW, on Bon Appétit.

I tiptoed in and out of self-pity and self-righteousness : “I am a mediocre writer and cook, I don’t belong there!” and “I deserve to be there, those people are idiots not to see what I do!” And that emotional tiptoeing is exhausting, draining.

Even though the Hollywood Farmers Market dates were a triumph, I was disappointed a food critic didn’t come my way. One day, Ruth Reichl was there, but the crowd around my stand was too big that she didn’t even see me. Why wasn’t Phil Rosenthal at the market that day? I kept asking myself. They “had” to read my book and taste my cookies!

The more blame I exhaled, lacking any kind of humility or acceptance, the more I stressed and worked, worked, worked. Until the breaking point, as you know.

In Italy, I prepared for the change. And I understood one thing: I don’t want to hustle any more. I want to be happy and enjoy life.

At the end of every school day, Catherine’s teachers send us a recap of what they learned in an email titled “Planned Possibilities”.

I have been meditating on how good the sound of the words Planned Possibilities is: an intentional opening to what can be.

Isn’t it brilliant?

So this is how I am trying to live every day, intentional in my being open to what can come, rather than fighting and fighting and fighting for what I have decided must be.

It’s new and uncomfortable at times, but also incredibly freeing. It’s replacing the disappointment, the anger, the resentment and the sadness rather quickly.

I did the work, I keep working, but now it’s time to sit back and allow myself to receive.

Planned possibilities, how good the sound of these two words together is!

Updates:

Ben is leaving on tour for two months, so it will be a full fall season, but luckily, my parents are coming into town next Tuesday. We are planning lots of adventures together, and I get to take them to the Hollywood Bowl to see Ben and Stevie Nicks!

I dream of having a cooking show on PBS!

I am ready for fall and Halloween, who is with me?

I have opened classes for fall: 09-28 and 10-26, on zoom, Live and Interactive, both at 4:30pm PDT. Suggested price: 1 class $35, 2 classes $60. If you can’t attend but want the recording only: 1 recording $15, 2 recordings $25. Tickets on Venmo @culinaryselfcare HURRY UP! TICKETS SELL OUT FAST!

My schedule is also open for private classes, private consultations, and private catering. Email me at [email protected] for that.

Shows are also back on Instagram Live, every Monday at 5pm PDT

Love you guys, thank you for reading and for being part of this journey with me.