One Year of Listening, Autumn, and Grieving what Isn’t No More

The other day, on Instagram (who would have guessed?) my OBGYN, who also just published an amazing, groundbreaking book on menopause, posted a video about how women spend a huge part of their lives identifying with the rhythms of their cycle, which also means spending most of their adult life living by the hormones, the biological drives, and their suppression (avoidance of pregnancy or trying to be pregnant).

“When we go through menopause, she said, “it can be a time of grieving all that, but also an amazing time of liberation and rediscovery of who we are in our bodies in a completely new way.”

Now, I know that using menopause as an opening to this newsletter may drive all my men readers away, but hear me out before closing this page.

I am not going through menopause yet, but I have noticed changes in my body, mental conditions, desires, ideas, taste, and views that have sparked both the beginning of a grieving process, as well as a sense of serenity and curiosity for the future.

I have had a taste of comfort in my skin for the first time in my entire life. It was fleeting and unexpected, but it felt like the first breeze after a heat wave that had never really subsided since 1997.

I always notice a change in how I feel, what I want, the colors I wear, the people I surround myself with, as the seasons change. I am especially sentisitve to change when summer ends, and fall and winter arrive. I don’t know whether it’s because during the colder months of the year a subconscious desire for warmth lingers, longing for solitude and introspection, for writing down on paper all that. 

But every time autumns come, I shed part of me.

This fall, and this is what resonated with me when I heard my OBGYN’s video, I began to take care of my hormonal changes through acupuncture, and together with the relief, I have also found a readiness for the future that I didn’t own this summer.

We toured a few schools for Catherine, and suddenly, I felt ready and actually excited for what will be, come next fall. I wasn’t ready in the summer; I wasn’t ready last month. 

I have been grieving her abandoning the world of early childhood; I have been grieving the decision to not have more children; I have been grieving the grandiose career plans I had for myself; I have been grieving the breaking of old patters from my birth family that don’t serve me, I have been grieving the myself I am letting go of.

But I am making room for the myself I am becoming, as well as for the new relationships I am nourishing and establishing. 

With this dance between grief and opening ceremonies into the new, I am starting one year of not pursuing, not hustling, not searching, not forcing. I am starting one year of observing, receiving, of allowing, detaching, one year of hearing the answers rather than breathlessly asking questions. And I am writing all about it through the lens of food.

I am curious about my male readers. Can you relate to any of this? What do you guys grieve, as you age? What are you letting go of, when you go through a season of change? Do we have any common ground?

Maybe, regardless of whether you are a man, a woman, neither, or both…this is simply life, when you let life happen.

Updates:

– Don’t forget to sign up for Winter Zoom Cooking Classes. On 11/16 at 4:30 pm Pacific we will be making the ultimate Thanksgiving salad, while on 12/14 we will be making three appetizers for your holiday table. Tickets on Venmo (HERE) 1 class $35, 2 classes $60 or pay what you can.

– I have a few spots left for the month of November for meal consultation, recipe development and private classes. Email me at [email protected] for inquiries.

– My hair loss seems to have halted;

– I have been doing acupuncture for my hormones and it has performed miracles;

– My parents will be leaving soon, after two months here…I have mixed feeling about it, but so much gratitude for what this time together has given and taught me;

– I will be at the Hollywood Farmers Market selling hardcovers of my cookbook at a special price, on December 11th. 

See you next month. 

Love,

Alice