November Newsletter

Hi guys!

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. 

I wasn’t sure what I was going to write in this month’s newsletter until I wrote it, deleted it entirely, and started from scratch, after a long hike in Griffith Park. I love when I can see the ocean from the helipad. 

As some of you know, Ben’s recovery has been very slow and challenging. We are all very tired, Catherine had a long break from school, and we thought a brief change of scenery would help; so last week we went to Ojai for a couple of days, with some good new friends we have made.

When I was there, not as relaxed as I thought I could be, yet distant enough from the habitual daily to gain some perspective on how I still hustle for everything in life, I noticed that life was better when simple. I noticed that I was happier when I wasn’t in my head scrambling to fit all the pieces of my own puzzle.

“Easy to say,” you may be thinking “when staying at a luxury resort.” 

I thought about the way I would phrase this, validating the thoughts readers may have, respecting Ben’s privacy, while also honoring my feelings, the weight I have been carrying, and what I am learning from it. 

The day before Thanksgiving, it was just the two of us, Catherine and I.

“Let’s make our crackers,” I suggested when she asked me to watch TV. 

“Yay,” she screamed from the stairs, where she had sat for five minutes, mad at me for denying her another episode of The Octonauts. 

So, I dusted off the pastry board, and realized, from the amount of dust, that Catherine and I had not baked or cooked together in a long time. 

It made me sad. 

I have been so busy, trying to stay afloat, taking care of everyone, worrying, keeping all the pieces together, that I had completely missed out on the simple things, which had brought me enormous amounts of joy during the pandemic, and throughout her pre-school years. 

I couldn’t understand when and how my relationship with time had gone astray. 

We opened my cookbook to page 111: Lemon Crackers.

I poured the ingredients into the mixing bowl, and Catherine mixed them: semolina flour first, then all-purpose, salt, lemon zest, olive oil, water, and white wine. 

As she kneaded the dough, I felt a sense of home, of grounding, of contentment; I remembered a happy time in my childhood. I remembered the mountains, I remembered wearing an apron, and feeling the Foehn winds on my skin, my lips dry, my long hair electric. 

I remembered my father telling me he used to like wind, too, when he was young. 

I remembered my grandparents and how life in the kitchen was everything, when we stayed in Pilaz, in the Aosta Valley. I remembered winter; I have always loved winter. 

Catherine and I were in the moment, and like every time I am in the moment, past and present collide as if they have never been two separate entities. I had completely let go of all my mandatory tasks and daily judgments: work more, produce more, create more, make more money, find more connections, why don’t they like me? Why don’t they want me? I am a fraud!

Catherine had let go of The Octonauts. 

We were happy, just me and her. I, not even showered at 4:00 in the afternoon, and her, with iridescent nail polish, and the new black velvet leggings. 

The crackers came out perfect, so we both enjoyed them with a light spread of honey, like we used to. 

I missed having the time to bake with her. I missed having the time to cook leisurely, to enjoy the process, rather than scrambling something up in a hurry, to eat in a hurry, in order to get over with the day, go to bed.

I have been so overwhelmed, this month, that we did a lot of take out.

So, on Sunday, I went to the farmers market and purposely bought lots of spinach, chard, spigariello, tomatoes, leeks, potatoes, butternut squash, passion fruit, and the last bell peppers of the season. I knew it was a lot, but I also knew that I would want to use all that produce meaningfully, and creatively, like I used to. I knew I needed to make my life simpler. 

In her November 23rd podcast, “A Generous Heart”, Tara Brach talked about the human evolution from grasping in life (for more success, reward, love, money…) to generosity. 

I bring this up because this month I have been overwhelmed not only by the hardship, but also by the generosity of people, of old friends and of new ones I have just gotten to know.

All this gave me an even deeper insight into what that simplicity I talked about in the beginning of this newsletter encompasses: generosity, service, getting myself (and my instinct to grasp) out of the way. 

What I found freeing about baking crackers with Catherine was my conscious choice to set myself aside and do the right thing for my daughter. The act of choosing her over me gave me freedom and serenity, grounding. 

The times ahead will be challenging for a while longer, so for a while longer my search is for balance between selfless generosity and self-care. And maybe, if I find it, this can be a new way of life for me. 

I am no longer interested in changing the happenings life. I want to be changed by them.

What a gift, to have had this shift in perception. 

Now, down to some business:

–       I have officially started writing my new book!

–       Thank you to all those who bought The Italian Cookie at Wine + Eggs this past Saturday, it was an enormous success and we sold out! You can still find the mixes there and at Lost and Found Shop.

–       I will be at the Hollywood Farmers Market on 12/3 so come and grab your mixes for the holidays before they sell out and avoid paying for shipping. I will be on Selma, next to Bao Bao House.

–       I will also be at LA River Farmers Market Holiday Bazar on 12/14 (3pm-7:30pm) at LA Historic State Park (my mom will be there as well).

–       If you are purchasing the mixes online and want them delivered in time for the holidays, please place your orders by 12/15. I do production once a week and work in small batches. I will ship on same day, but we will sell out soon. 

Love, always

Alice