Empty Hangers, Isabelle Huppert, and Life Ahead

Hi guys!

How are you?

I started taking notes for this newsletter during the second week of the month, I am writing this on April 26th, my 11th Los Angeles anniversary, and so much has changed since the original notes…

One of the first things I had in mind was a question about life before the pandemic, one that we discussed on a recent show: what did we do before Covid? I mean, what did we like to do?

When I asked myself that question, I was driving back from getting baking props for the dessert section of the cookbook, I hadn’t run errands in a while and I felt a stranger in the outside world.

I couldn’t remember how life was when we moved from Tarzana to Los Feliz, in October of 2019; we never had the time to get used to the new neighborhood, to new grocery stores, to having friends nearby, to actually start living our new life, so maybe that’s why I don’t remember? I don’t remember the feeling of going to shows, for example; I remember the last one being Patti Smith, but that’s pretty much it. I don’t remember the feeling of a restaurant with friends, of running errands and seeing my therapist, of doing things; Catherine wasn’t going to school yet, and my work has always been pretty much a solitary one, so much so that my senses are now confused about what happened, and what it is now.

I have been feeling confused about things that happened to me a lot lately, how I completely rejected their occurrence for years, finding justifications, cover-ups, excuses.

Can one year change us so much? 

Later that same day, I did some window shopping for spring. I remembered the time when, with little money and several jobs, I’d find the time to shop along the Santa Monica promenade, and if I had some extra money I would buy something from Urban Outfitters, which was pricey for me. I loved shopping in Santa Monica, with a small budget, and yet a big reward. 

I can’t find the time today. And I don’t know what I like anymore, at least not as surely as I liked Urban Outfitters in 2011. 

On July 31st 2013 I wrote this in an essay:

I have given away all of my Lolita dresses in this past year, and I am not planning on buying new clothes for a while; empty hangers help me meditate on what kind of person I want to be in the morning.

I remember quoting this quote sometimes in between then and now. And today I find myself quoting it again.

I guess it’s a cycle. A cycle of change, of aging, of growing up. 

These days I want to look French and stylish like Isabelle Huppert, but a month ago I was wearing colors like 6-year old me, and all I looked for were purple and yellow cardigans. 

“What do I want to look like? What woman do I want to be?”

I keep asking myself these questions, confused in between a purchase and a return, between the comfort of wearing a mask and hiding in my house, and the exciting discomfort of life out there…

With my therapist, we have been working a lot on what the constant positive traits of my personality and style are, so that I stop focusing only on what I can’t see in the mirror, on what is still a blank space, on what is still blurred.

What a month this has been! Fully vaccinated and hopefully a few months away from hugging my parents. Fully vaccinated and unsure about what my boundaries are, fully vaccinated…and with a foot in the month of June, when summer will start and I will wear sleeveless dresses again.

Now, a few updates:

– We have 9 photos remaining to shoot, then it’s time for editing before the book goes to print

– I got my second shot of Moderna vaccine on April 14th

– “Call my Agent!” or “Dix pour cent” on Netflix has me obsessed with Paris, re-learning French, with high heels, Camille Cottin, and with every purse Jérôme Dreyfuss has ever designed.

– I hugged my friends Marthe and Tessa and it felt amazing

– I discovered that I love snap peas

– Seeing Trent Reznor win the Oscar for Soul filled me with joy, and Tyler Perry’s speech made me think a lot about how I want to be with those I disagree with, with those I can’t respect, with those I believe dangerous…

– All I know is that 11 years ago, when I arrived in America, I wouldn’t have been able to deal with life like I do today, not perfectly and not really gracefully, but decently enough to look at myself in the mirror and smile, with to without new clothes to wear for spring.

See you next month, and don’t forget that Instagram to Table goes live every Monday at 5pm on Instagram Live!

xo

Alice