Another Autumn is Here

If you have been following me for a while, you have probably learned one thing about me: I love the change of seasons and what they have to offer, when they come and when they go.

But what I realized a few days ago, scrolling through Instagram photos celebrating the beginning of autumn, is that my love for change goes beyond the passage of summer and fall; I love change itself, I am fascinated with the dash of time during which the shift happens, the transition of moments. I am increasingly longing for change these days; I feel trapped, I feel tired, I feel drained. I think I myself am going through a transition, and I can’t quite understand where it’s taking me. I need to step out of myself to observe what’s going on. 

I always thought that transformation was to be experienced as uncomfortable, something to endure and get through, a stepping stone to the moment that followed. But when I woke up in a foggy Santa Barbara, just the other day, I understood that what I enjoy is not really the bright sun, rather the slow lifting of the marine layer, the moment of transition; I think that witnessing transitions gives me hope, makes me feel the movement of time when everything looks immobile. I also understood that what “vacation” really means for me these days is a whole week by myself and for myself, but that’s another story.

I love sunset and twilight more than a starry night. I love the happening.  

I thought about my little problem with online shopping, something that with the pandemic has found kind of a reason to be, and that I don’t like. And you know what I love more than having new clothes, new kitchen towels, or a new shampoo? I love looking for things online; I love the quest, the story I write in my head when I think where to place the towels, how to wear the skirt, and what my hair will look like with the new product.

On Tuesday morning we went to Butterfly beach, in Montecito. The small beach was safe enough that we took off our masks and played in the water. It was Catherine’s first time in the ocean, and she loved it. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I felt free, and for a second I imagined Covid gone, lightness of spirit without the increasing anxiety before the election, simply life as it was four years ago, as imperfect as it was, and yet not so scary. 

Before I fell asleep on the beach, I reminded myself that my only power, in all that we are going through, is my willingness to embrace the dark, the scary, the violent, the wrong and the painful of this moment. That’s the only way to save the energy of my default righteous anger for actions that are productive and effective, like helping people with the voting process, donating, sending postcards for Nithya, making phone calls for Breonna — listening rather than screaming, unheard, on Twitter. I woke up from the beach nap with a stiff neck, but with a more relaxed mind. 

But before I wish you happy new season and happy transition, I want to share with you a few updates: 

– I never heard back from the agent, so I am looking for a new one. 

– I am letting my hair grow long again;

– I am watching a lot of Parts Unknown these days, and also reading magazines; 

– I am meditating more regularly;

– The show keeps being one of the biggest joys of my life (watch me on Monday at 5pm PST on Instagram @alicecarbonetench) 

– I am spending less time on socials for political reasons and I am tuning out of the news after I feel informed. The level of anger and hate I feel when I obsess over what Trump is doing and over the people that are behind him is not healthy for me, or for my fight against him. I am finding my balance and I am doing everything I can to help people vote and make my voice heard in a meaningful way.

– Reminder: if you live in Los Angeles District 4 and you care about the rebirth of a Los Angeles that works everyone, please vote for Nithya Raman for city council. Vote out the corruption of David Ryu once and for all. 

– I still have hope that things will change for the better;

– Every morning, before breakfast, I make a smoothie with: celery, kale, spinach, lime, ginger, turmeric, cayenne and collagen booster. I blend it with ice and iced water and love the way it makes me feel;

– I began to see some serious result of my daily Tracy Anderson training, and for the first time in my life, at 38, I love my butt! (It’s a big deal, I am starting to make peace with my body)

Happy autumn! 

Thank you for your loyalty, for reading me, and for being on this journey with me whether we have ever met or not. Some of you have been reading these blogs and newsletters for almost 10 years and never unsubscribed, even when the topics, the genre, and the stories changed. You know who you are, so thank you. And for those who have only recently joined the group, welcome, thank you for coming along. 

Love, always,

Alice