{"id":7198,"date":"2019-08-18T12:06:59","date_gmt":"2019-08-18T19:06:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.alicecarbone.com\/?p=7198"},"modified":"2020-04-14T12:55:01","modified_gmt":"2020-04-14T19:55:01","slug":"social-media","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alicecarbone.com\/staging\/2381\/social-media\/","title":{"rendered":"The Social Media Diet: Comparison is Poison, and We Are All Exposed to It"},"content":{"rendered":"

SOCIAL MEDIA, COMPARISON SYNDROME<\/h2>\n

On August 1st, I recorded a video on IGTV<\/a> (Instagram TV) in response to a touching email I had received from a reader a few days earlier. Her letter, in fact, had prompted me to meditate on the delicate act of sharing my personal life on social media, and in the specific on Instagram.<\/p>\n

In my video, I shared what had happened to me that same week when my photos from the Newport Folk Festival, of my new house, of my family, etc. had brought about a veil of melancholy for that struggling reader. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe remodel of the new house has been a nightmare,\u201d I said, \u201cBen and I have even considered selling it.” We were heartbroken and scared, after yet another unexpected expense.<\/p>\n

\u201cI loved Newport, it was a beautiful experience,\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I continued in the recording,<\/p>\n

\u201cbut it\u2019s not easy to be in an environment in which you are often considered a side dish.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I told you the truth about how it felt. <\/span><\/p>\n

With these two examples I wanted to make clear that \u2014 for as truthful and real as one can be on social media, there is always another side of the coin that the \u201caudience\u201d doesn\u2019t get to see. When the reader who emailed me was experiencing a bit of sadness scrolling through my happy snapshots of life, I was hurting, too.  <\/span><\/p>\n

\"BenmontI cried a lot returning from Newport. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow people behave is about them,\u201d Cei reminded me, \u201cit\u2019s not about you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I knew some of \u2018those people\u2019 wouldn\u2019t probably care much about anybody but those in their circle; I knew the theory, but I couldn’t help to compare myself to them, and to hurt profoundly when not asked anything about my life.<\/p>\n

This has been happening on a regular basis, since I have entered Ben’s world, the entertainment world: people seeing me as a young woman who married a wealthy, successful older man, and who therefore doesn’t need to work, or who doesn’t have a life and a career of her own. I think this happens in any \u00e9lite<\/em>, if you allow me the term. It hurts, but that’s not really the point of this essay; the point is that comparison is poison.<\/p>\n

I have never compared myself so much to other people since creating my Instagram account.<\/p>\n

On my feed, in fact, there is always something that somebody else has, does or goes to, that I want. There is always someone more successful, thinner, prettier and richer than me. And as long as I measure my worth against others, I will never be either happy or successful.<\/p>\n

Clich\u00e9, I know, and yet true.<\/p>\n

Cei asked me how did I feel before Instagram, and if there were attributes of mine not affected by comparison; then we agreed on developing and exploring those areas.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am resourceful,\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I said,<\/p>\n

\u201cand I am strong.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

With being resourceful, I paired feelings of self-confidence, brightness and lightness of being; when it came to being strong I said:<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s like taking a breath of fresh air and remembering who I am.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

How beautiful is that?<\/p>\n

\u2026taking a breath of fresh air and remembering who I am\u2026<\/i><\/strong><\/h3>\n

I am sharing this story because we are all exposed to the toxicity of social media, of the Likes<\/i> on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, or of the thumbs up<\/i> on YouTube. We are all exposed to comparison. <\/span><\/p>\n

Instagram has proved to be my main platform of communication, and also a potentially wonderful medium for exchanging beauty, art, inspiration, and activism, so I am not quitting.<\/p>\n

But because I am building with you a community of people who care \u2014 a safe space \u2014 I want to be honest about how I feel in the hope that, if you ever feel the same when scrolling through your feed, you can remind yourself who you<\/i> are independently from the success, the money, the health, and the achievements of others. <\/span><\/p>\n

Social media is affecting society drastically (especially young people in their forming years). We can\u2019t have new generations who are bitter, angry, jealous, greedy, and so ambitious that they disregard those they encounter on their path. It\u2019s dangerous for the world, and it\u2019s an awful way to live life. <\/span><\/p>\n

Would you want your child, niece, grandson to be raised on vitriol? <\/span><\/h3>\n

In the \u2018famous Beachwood years\u2019 I often talk about on this blog, I didn\u2019t have an Instagram account. <\/span><\/p>\n

\"BENMONTBen met me back then; he fell in love with me when I weighed more, when I had no money, and when I stood far back in my artistic career. <\/span><\/p>\n

Men found me attractive when I didn\u2019t get facials, haircuts or regular manicures; they found me attractive when I didn\u2019t have the time to workout every day and when my body was less fit than it is now. I attracted good people in my life in those years: I got myself a book deal, I got myself to meet Leonard Cohen and completely change my life, I got myself to record a great podcast. <\/span><\/p>\n

\"social
I had used this photo years ago for an essay titled: Facebook Detox.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I was happier because I knew who I was, I knew my worth, and I didn\u2019t compare myself to others.<\/p>\n

Of course, I did encounter struggles and set backs; I was laid off from a job I didn\u2019t like but needed, I received hundreds of rejections from agents, publishers, and fellow artists. But I never lost track of how strong, talented, and resourceful I was. I didn\u2019t add weight to life, and I didn\u2019t obsessively want to lose mine. <\/span><\/p>\n

When I compare myself to others I am the maker of most of the obstacles and the difficulties I encounter.<\/p>\n

When I measure my worth against others I become miserable; I am not interested in sex, in laughter, in happiness, in joy. I am only interested in getting to where that person is, to where that other person seems to have arrived, or to where that other one has gotten before me. <\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s why I can\u2019t enjoy life. Do you remember my essay two weeks ago<\/a>? La dolce vita, Paris\u2026<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

On August 13, as I drove back from celebrating my 7th year of sobriety, and from a beautiful afternoon at the new house with Ben and our friend Paige, I heard on the radio, for the first time, Tool<\/a>\u2019s new single (we Tool fans have been waiting 13 years for it<\/em>). After barely a minute of the band playing I thought: \u201cCool, but it sounds just like their old songs.\u201d I was disappointed. <\/span><\/p>\n

As the song progressed, however, I quickly became able to hear all its layers. What Maynard James Keenan<\/a> (the frontman) had created with his other two bands, A Perfect Circle and Puscifer, had clearly influenced the new Tool record so beautifully that my body shivered. The valley had by then reached 102 F.<\/p>\n

Immunity<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

Long overdue<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

Contagion<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

I exhale you<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

Lying<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

I opened up to you<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

Venom in mania<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

Now, contagion<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

I exhale you<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

Fear Inoculum, Tool<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

When I first approached the end of this essay I hated it. I didn\u2019t want to publish it. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThey will think I always write about the same boring stuff,\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

I thought.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey will never read to the end.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

But as I wrote the final paragraph I understood that \u2014 just like the new Tool song \u2014- it offered layers of experience, of past insights, lessons, and breakthroughs that \u2014 in a way \u2014 made \u2018the same old topic\u2019 a brand new one to enjoy and meditate on. <\/span><\/p>\n

I like this essay a lot, and I like the new song almost as much.<\/p>\n