{"id":7107,"date":"2019-06-10T12:56:23","date_gmt":"2019-06-10T19:56:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.alicecarbone.com\/?p=7107"},"modified":"2020-04-14T12:55:02","modified_gmt":"2020-04-14T19:55:02","slug":"life-change-music-we-relate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alicecarbone.com\/staging\/2381\/life-change-music-we-relate\/","title":{"rendered":"One Day You’ll Like White: There Will Always Be a Song for Us."},"content":{"rendered":"

Have you ever thought about how drastically what you relate to in life has changed over the years?<\/p>\n

Let me explain.<\/p>\n

The other day, when I drove to Los Feliz, traffic wasn\u2019t bad; I was in a good mood, I was going to see the new house, and then to visit my friend Constance at her boutique,\u00a0Weepah Way<\/a>. I didn\u2019t want the news to turn my smile into rage, so I played some music on Tidal \u2014 30 Seconds to Mars. I have been a fan of the band since they came out, in the late 1990s, but I hadn\u2019t listened to them for a while.<\/p>\n

Earlier in the morning, I had played the song\u00a0Hurrican<\/em>e for Ben, so in the car I listened to the entire album,\u00a0This is War<\/em>. Music played loud, I changed freeways twice, and as I paid closer and closer attention to the lyrics, it struck me that, in my 20s, I could relate to words such as:<\/p>\n

\u201cHonest to God I will break your heart<\/em><\/p>\n

Tear you to pieces and rip you apart<\/em><\/p>\n

Honest to God I will break your heart\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Night of the Hunter<\/em><\/p>\n

The weather was beautiful. California had finally bathed in summer, and probably because of the bright surroundings, and of the beautiful life I have today, I felt safe going back in time to when it was winter in Italy, but also to when it was summer that felt like winter inside.<\/p>\n

In the past, I had crushes on mostly wrong men. Throughout my formative years, and all the way through my early thirties, it was as if I had one task in life: finding boys who would break my heart and convincing myself I would be the one to change them, and make them ‘boyfriend material’.<\/p>\n

How many of us have heard these words: \u201cI am sorry, I am not in the right place for a relationship; it\u2019s not you, it\u2019s me\u2026\u201d? And how many of us have interpreted them as: \u201cI am not in the right place, but with you this may change, you may be the one who saves me.\u201d?<\/p>\n

***<\/strong><\/p>\n

In the past, I would also relate to words like:<\/p>\n

Enemy of mine<\/em><\/p>\n

I’ll fuck you like the devil<\/em><\/p>\n

Violent inside<\/em><\/p>\n

Beautiful and evil<\/em><\/p>\n

I’m a ghost, you’re an angel
\nOne and the same
\nJust remains of an age\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Stranger in a Strangers Land<\/em><\/p>\n

Most of my relationships, from the moment I started drinking and using drugs, have been permeated by abuse of some kind.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I have a problem with sex,\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I had told Diane, my therapist, a few days before.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething went wrong at a certain point in my life, and I can\u2019t understand why it’s still affecting me now.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

We talked for an hour; she asked me questions, and with every answer a new piece of my past composed the picture that inspired this essay.<\/p>\n

My very first serious relationship, the man with whom I moved in after barely a month of dating, and the man I began to use cocaine with, had started with a sudden, “passionate love”. But it had soon become a golden cage I couldn\u2019t escape.<\/p>\n

He was\u00a0intense from the very first date, and I had misunderstood possession and arrogance for passion and self-confidence. His jealousy I had misunderstood for love, his wanting me to become a porn star in bed as fatal attraction. He introduced me to cocaine, that I loved from the very first line. I lost weight, I was high, and I could become whoever he wanted me to be.<\/p>\n

\"change
Photo Credit: Giorgio Violino 2008<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Unlike most of my girlfriends, I had never been very popular with boys. I had always attributed it to being a little chubby, but whatever the case, when my boyfriend chose me, I thought I had finally arrived in life. I had found my way of being seen and considered special, approved. That\u2019s why it took me almost four years to leave him; because I was terrified of not being enough alone, and because his power over me had made me feel important, even if it hurt and humiliated me.<\/p>\n

Later in life, with more drugs, alcohol, and experience, things didn\u2019t change much. I fell deeply in love with a goodhearted man\u00a0who, like me,\u00a0was an alcoholic. Unlike me, however, he was absolutely unavailable (and obsessed with his ex). Needless to say he became my lifeline during those years.<\/p>\n

Unlike with my first boyfriend, this time I knew what I was doing, and I bought into the notion that the only way a man could love me and have sex with me, was if I became somebody I wasn\u2019t. So I drank more, I got high, and I played the part so many times that I couldn\u2019t remember what Alice looked like, what Alice liked, what Alice wanted.<\/p>\n

\"change
Canter’s Photo shoot by Riccardo Monti, 2014<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

When I moved to Los Angeles<\/a>, and initial reason why I stayed in the Unites States, was another very unavailable man. I loved him so much that I went the farthest distance from myself in order to be with him. I was sober for most of the affair, this time. So it hurt more.<\/p>\n

Alice had gone missing.<\/p>\n

How long did it take you to become you?<\/h4>\n

The reason why I quoted those songs is that, looking back, I am astonished at how much what resonates with me in life has changed: everything used to be black, dark, sexy, violent, extreme.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne day you\u2019ll like white,\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

my friend Dina once told me. I was newly sober, and for some reason we were talking about the color of her bed sheets; I had sworn by black and purple satin until the last of my days.<\/p>\n

Today I have beautiful white bedsheets and a romantic-looking duvet in the shades of blue and turquoise that Ben and I bought in Big Sur.<\/h4>\n

When I met Ben, I didn\u2019t know what I liked. For years I had become and thought of myself an extreme, damaged and unhinged sex doll at men\u2019s disposal.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy am I afraid of being vulnerable with the one man who truly loves me?\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I had asked Diane.<\/p>\n

And the answer to my question was to be found in the word\u00a0vulnerable<\/em>. In fact, for fear of being humiliated or abandoned, authentic vulnerability had not been an option in my past relationships.<\/p>\n

***<\/strong><\/p>\n

I believe in nothing
\nNot the day and not the dark
\nI believe in nothing
\nBut the beating of our hearts\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Jared Leto<\/a>sings in\u00a0100 Suns<\/em>.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s beautiful about music and songs is that they travel with us through time, and there will always be a verse that resonates with where we are at.<\/p>\n

When what resonated with me was about a broken heart, pain, and wild sex, I dreamed of romance and fairy tales. I never thought that I could have that, and I never thought that I could listen to a song like 100 Suns and think:<\/p>\n

\u201cOh my God, I have that, I have that man!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u201cYou were so brave talking to Diane about it,\u201d Ben said to me when I told him I was writing this essay. We had just had a beautiful dinner with our friends Cynthia and Jim, and my life couldn\u2019t be further away from the old darkness.<\/p>\n

\u201cRather than brave,\u201d I said as I put away the delicious chocolate cake they had brought, \u201cI was tired of giving the past all the power.\u201d<\/p>\n

Those relationships and patterns, in fact, still have shackles on me. I can\u2019t allow those ghosts to haunt my life; it wouldn\u2019t be fair to me, because I am worth all the happiness and freedom I can have, and it wouldn\u2019t be fair to Ben and Catherine. For they both deserve the best version of who I am and can become.<\/p>\n

So, have you thought about how drastically what you relate to has changed over the years?<\/h4>\n

\"Alice<\/p>\n

Just thinking about it, asking the question twice, makes me shiver.<\/p>\n

I have a daughter today; I don\u2019t know what she will go through, and I don\u2019t know what music she will relate to in her 20s, but what I know is that I\u2019ll be able to tell her, like my friend Dina said to me:<\/p>\n

\u201cOne day you\u2019ll like white, my love\u201d.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Actually, I will say that in Italian:<\/p>\n

\u201cUn giorno ti piacer\u00e0 il bianco, amore mio.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Have you ever thought about how drastically what you relate to in life has changed over the years? Let me explain. The other day, when I drove to Los Feliz, traffic wasn\u2019t bad; I was in a good mood, I was going to see the new house, and then to visit my friend Constance at her boutique,\u00a0Weepah Way. I didn\u2019t want the news to turn… <\/p>\n

Read More<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":7130,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[3052],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7107","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-essays"],"yoast_head":"\nChange in Life and Music Changes with You. 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